Jacqui

My Activity Tracking

115
kms

My target 93 kms

icon my dedication

My challenge is in memory of Hart Alexander

How many big steps I've taken for little lives

My progress

114kms

My goal

93kms

Our beautiful cherub, Hart Alexander 💚

In loving memory of our beautiful son, who we lost unexpectedly on 21 May 2022.

The pain of losing a child is indescribably painful, heart breaking and soul crushing. It’s changed our lives forever and makes you question every single thing in the world in a split second. While I can never have him back on this side, I can tell my story and hope that by doing so it will help to support another family feel understood and not alone. Red Nose, provided comfort, support and resources to our family when we needed it, so we would love to ensure that these services are available for many years to come! 

Every donation, no matter how big or small will help.

This fundraiser is our way of honouring our son's memory and ensuring his life, although short, will make a lasting long impactful difference to all.

We miss him so much.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kindness, generosity, and support. 

—————————————

Saturday

Hart,
Our beautiful boy,
Welcomed to the world with
hearts full of joy.

Your daddy amazed at the strength
in your fight,
You brought with you this all-
consuming light.

We had everything we wanted,
who knew what was to be confronted.

I crumble to the ground,
suffocating, numb, as doctors rush around.

How quickly our life turned upside down,
Begging for you to stay,
so that we wouldn't drown.

We held each other as you drifted away,
Our darkest of tragedies, Saturday.

— Jacqui Cosgrove

My Impact

I've helped provide 74 professional counselling sessions to families devastated by the loss of a treasured baby or child.

Funds Raised

Over the years

My Updates

Our beautiful cherub, Hart Alexander 💚

Friday 31st Jul

In loving memory of our beautiful son, who we lost unexpectedly on 21 May 2022.

The pain of losing a child is indescribably painful, heart breaking and soul crushing. It’s changed our lives forever and makes you question every single thing in the world in a split second. While I can never have him back on this side, I can tell my story and hope that by doing so it will help to support another family feel understood and not alone. Red Nose, provided comfort, support and resources to our family when we needed it, so we would love to ensure that these services are available for many years to come! 

Every donation, no matter how big or small will help.

This fundraiser is our way of honouring our son's memory and ensuring his life, although short, will make a lasting long impactful difference to all.

We miss him so much.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kindness, generosity, and support. 

—————————————

Saturday

Hart,
Our beautiful boy,
Welcomed to the world with
hearts full of joy.

Your daddy amazed at the strength
in your fight,
You brought with you this all-
consuming light.

We had everything we wanted,
who knew what was to be confronted.

I crumble to the ground,
suffocating, numb, as doctors rush around.

How quickly our life turned upside down,
Begging for you to stay,
so that we wouldn't drown.

We held each other as you drifted away,
Our darkest of tragedies, Saturday.

— Jacqui Cosgrove

My Updates

What to expect when expecting… loss.

Wednesday 26th Aug
It’s excruciating to understand your own pain in the moment, unable to see anything outside of your bubble. It’s not until later when the haze momentarily lifts and you look around to the faces of those who love you dearly that you realise just how deep the pain runs, each burdened heart carrying the struggle.. I don’t think anything prepares you for the double sorrow that appears at the forefront of my mother’s eyes. She’s not supposed to watch her own child suffer the worst agony a human can know, compressing the suffering and a lifetime of love into an unthinkable goodbye. She has seen life and known loss. But there’s something different about this one, a dark heavy silence that brings chills down your spine and a brokenness that is mirrored by a look that language will always fail to comprehend. Nevertheless, a shared heartache that’s multiplied by her own maternal instinct - the hardest truth, knowing how much you would fight to protect your child and then having to watch your own suffer and face a loss that you cannot prevent and could not have prepared her for in the first place. It’s in this space that you come to know, it’s two mothers learning how to mother through an unexpected loss. Red Nose Australia #HartAlexander #21_05_2022 #grandmother #mother

This is not normal.

Friday 21st Aug
I am hovering above my own body. Watching a reality that cannot possibly be mine. I am suffocating. Paralysed to exist. Begging to be taken instead. The storm followed us to every resting place. I couldn’t leave you out there, left to sleep in the damp grass… it hurt my bones to think you’d be in a field where no one knew you. This is not normal. We crafted something beautiful to hold you, something that would bring you home. I couldn’t do it. But she did. A big sister with a heart yearning to protect. “That’s my brother. He needs me. I can help bring him home”. I watched my little girl braver than most because most should never have to do what she has. Carefully transfer you into your urn. This is not normal. So we carried you home. A home that should have carried your laughter, instead carries the echos of a nightmare we cannot wake up from. Red Nose Australia #Hart_Alexander #21_05_2022 #iamsosorry

Most people won’t see it..

Friday 21st Aug
And if they do, they will look the other way and pretend they didn’t, they will deliberately take the long way around just to avoid you, they will make excuses and say it wasn’t intentional, their text messages don’t arrive, the invites get further and further apart and then stop altogether.. then comes the silence… Because it’s confronting and uncomfortable and sad and no one knows what to say, so they say nothing at all. And that somehow makes more sense…. Sometimes I thought I must look like the walking dead. I wanted to wear a sign on my forehead that reads “my baby died”. Just so people would know. Just so people might take it easy on me. Just so I wouldn’t be expected to smile, to make conversation, to pretend I was okay just to make everyone else comfortable. It angered me so much that everyone else kept functioning and moving forward and living…. Instead of joining me in burning the world to the ground for what had been allowed to happen to my boy. Instead of taking the neighbourhood walks, my son strapped to my chest, I’m walking to the front door to accept a bunch of flowers that said “I’m sorry for your loss” instead of “congratulations “.. I then sit there and stare at these flowers and watch them slowly wither and die, reflecting exactly what my insides had become. Red Nose Australia #HartAlexander #21_05_2022 #iloveyou Red Nose Grief and Loss #sayhisname

How long can you grieve for?

Wednesday 19th Aug
I grieve every single day. It looks different but it’s every single day. Sometimes I grieve quietly, when the house is silent and I am lying awake or during yoga when my mind is meant to be focusing on my breath. But all I can see is the unfairness in it all. And then my grieving is loud and angry and there’s tears that turn into uncontrollable sobbing and I want to scream and throw hard objects and smash windows because this wasn’t supposed to be his ending. After losing Hart someone once asked me
how much counselling one needs. Not in an interested in the healing process kind of way but as if somehow my grief was a problem and interfered with their plans. 
As if there were a number of sessions that you attend and after you are magically healed.

As if my broken heart were an inconvenience
that should eventually become manageable. But for an absence so permanent there is no rehab program, no neat sequence of steps that will guarantee I wake up one morning and I am simply better. Better at what? Better at missing him? Better at hiding it? Better at knowing he isn’t coming back? So I will reach for him, I will grieve for him as long as I love him. A lifetime. Red Nose Australia #HartAlexander #21_05_2022 #imissyou Red Nose Grief and Loss #medicalnegligence

What I Am Left With

Friday 14th Aug
I am unrecognisable now. The sparkle has gone. The glow, the light. all of it has left my body as though grief reached inside me and tore everything out. You don’t just lose your child. You lose the part of you that made you you. I don’t meet each day the way I used to. I don’t speak as much. I don’t trust at all. I don’t smile without thinking, or laugh without remembering. Something has been robbed from me layer by layer, until even I sometimes wonder who this woman is wearing my face. I don’t mother the same. They didn’t just take my son. They changed our family. They changed the shape of our home, the rhythm of our days, the future we were meant to know. And on the wall, a keepsake where his school picture should be, where birthdays and milestones should have filled the years. One small piece of him and a lifetime of moments I will never get to see. And behind every failure, every delay, every missed opportunity, there was never just a mistake. There was a real baby. My baby. And there was a real family waiting for him, loving him, trusting that someone would see him, would protect him, would do what they were supposed to do. Behind every failure was a heartbeat. Behind every delay was a life. Behind every missed opportunity was a family that cannot go back and change what happened. And this is what I am left with. a world without my son, a family forever changed, and a version of myself I am still trying to get to know. Red Nose Australia #HartAlexander #21_05_2022 #heartbroken #medicalnegligence Red Nose Grief and Loss

Always, My boy

Thursday 13th Aug
My beautiful son, Hart, was born at 1:56 pm. The NICU Registrar was paged to attend the birth in the minutes leading up to Harts arrival, but the registrar was delayed. My son was transferred to the NICU at 2:26 pm. At that point, nursing staff asked the medical staff whether a call should be made to the on-call Neonatal Consultant. The medical staff declined. After three attempts at intubation, it was decided that the Neonatal Consultant should be contacted. The nursing staff escalated the matter themselves. The Consultant was called at approximately 2:45 pm. The Consultant had the anaesthetist onsite to rush down to support with the intubation of Hart, until the Consultant arrived. The Consultant did not arrive until approximately 3:10 pm. The anaesthetist walked into the room at the same time (and was no longer needed). The Neonatal Consultant successfully intubated my son at 3:15 pm. The same Consultant that should have already been informed that I was in labour that morning. The same Consultant that should have been at the birth of my son. The same Consultant that would have intubated my son within 5 minutes instead of over 2 hours LATER! By this point, precious time had been lost. A lot of damage had been done to my precious boy. Some many opportunities at which communication and escalation could have occurred differently. #HartAlexander Red Nose Australia #21_05_2022 #Iamsosorrymyboy

Why

Thursday 13th Aug
Was it wrong place, wrong time? Did we slip through the cracks? Why didn’t I make more noise? Why didn’t I ask more questions? Why. Why. Why. He was more than a statistic, a patient number, a lesson, an incident report, he was mine. His name was Hart. And now he’s gone. Still gone. At 7:50 am on the morning of my son’s birth, I was transferred to the delivery ward. My originally assigned midwife who was with me from the beginning of my pregnancy, was on leave. The back-up midwife I had been assigned (incase I gave birth while my OG midwife was away) was not available because she didn’t work weekends, and I was giving birth on a Saturday….. As a result, I was assigned a THIRD midwife on the morning of my delivery. This midwife had no prior knowledge of me, my pregnancy, my medical history or the circumstances surrounding my induction until that same morning. I had already been admitted to the hospital the previous evening, yet by the morning of my son’s birth I was being cared for by a midwife who was meeting me and learning about my pregnancy for the first time. I do not say this to blame any of these midwives for circumstances that may have been outside of their control. I recognise that staff leave and rostering issues occur. However, in the context of everything that subsequently happened, it is deeply significant. There had been multiple opportunities for the hospital’s systems to ensure that the right people had the information they needed. Red Nose Australia #HartAlexander #griefandloss #21_05_2022

This is hard

Wednesday 12th Aug
Following the unexpected death of our son, a SAER was undertaken. The review identified three contributing factors to his death. All three involved human error and failures in communication. One of the most difficult things for me to understand is that the neonatal team was not informed that I was in labour when I was transferred to the delivery ward (6 hours before my son was born) AND it was outlined within my medical notes multiple times to have them at the delivery. I had been admitted BY the hospital the evening before my son’s birth. This meant there was sufficient time for the relevant teams to be informed of my admission and planned induction. The SAER informed us that it was the responsibility of the midwifery team leader in the delivery ward to ensure that the neonatal staff were informed of any patient’s admission. This did not happen. I relied on the hospital protocol’s and systems, I expected the neonatal team, the medical staff, and midwifery team to communicate that I was in labour and to be prepared for my son’s birth. This did not happen. The hospital system and staff failed my boy. And so did I. Red Nose Australia #21_05_2022 #HartAlexander #medicalnegligence

Blue bunny

Wednesday 12th Aug
When we first bought you this blue bunny,
we never imagined this day would come.
It was meant to bring you comfort here,
to be dragged around by the ear,
a little friend to help you overcome. I never thought I’d tuck it in,
beside you where you lay,
but I couldn’t leave you there alone,
I couldn’t bear the thought of you facing the unknown. 
That you might somehow feel the cold,
while my shattered heart grows old. How can this be true?
Grief is not a broken leg,
no, that would be too easy to see,
those who grieve walk through each day,
barely able to breathe. I searched high and low for one the same,
through every shop and store.
I needed something you had touched,
something that I could hold once more. At last I found another one.
now I close my eyes and hold it tight,
believing, picturing that each moment
you are holding it through the night. I bury my face within its chest
and soak it with my tears.
Somehow I hope it reaches you
and helps to soothe your fears. A mother’s mind keeps worrying
about all the things I’d help you through.
I still think about your sleepless nights,
those little fears that come to you. I’d check beneath your sheets at night,
and tell you everything was alright,
no monsters hiding in the dark,
no bed bugs biting through the night. I wake each morning with pillow stains,
and bruised rib cages from the pain, 
attempting to find comfort in a bunny
that once had touched your perfect skin, my heartbeat feels so slow and thin,
a part of me has left with you,
so until I hold you once again.. 
I’ll search for you in every sky,
through every shade of blue, my body may never truly heal,
because every part still cries for you…. Red Nose Grief and Loss #21_05_2022 #HartAlexander #4YearsOn #Mother&Son Red Nose Australia

“Mum”

Wednesday 12th Aug
that’s all I want to hear. I saw the man you would become. Instead, I stand here devastatingly numb. Undone. My son. My one. A life that had barely begun. Tomorrow, belonged to you. I envisioned the future as you grew. 9 months I carried you. 3 hours I had you. Now, forever without you. I’m so sorry I did not come. I didn’t hear your cries. I didn’t get to look into your eyes. I didn’t get to hold you skin to skin. My body craved to give you all the love I carried within. They pulled you away and promised you’d be safe. I was waiting for your return. You were supposed to come back. Please come back. PLEASE COME BACK. Do not tell me, “he’s in a better place”. Do not tell me, “everything happens for a reason”. There is no better place than in my arms. And no reason to explain why you were taken from me. How do I carry on when the child who should have stood by my grave is now the child I must lay to rest? How do I bury my son instead of tucking him into bed? How do I kiss a coffin goodnight instead of kissing his sleepy head? How do I hand him over to the heavens, when he should be holding my hand instead? How do I whisper my last goodbye when there were so many more words left unsaid? Red Nose Grief and Loss #21_05_2022 #HartAlexander #4YearsOn #Broken

I had to watch her heart break too

Wednesday 12th Aug
She walked through the door and immediately noticed that my bump was no longer there. Her eyes searched the house, thinking he was in his room; completely unaware. I would have given anything to let her keep believing that for just one more minute before I had to share. When I told her, she looked up at me with those innocent eyes, searching for something that could make sense of why a baby dies. She whispered, while stomping her foot, “but why, I was really patient.” No answer ever felt enough,
no reason erased the stain.
How do you explain to a child, that love can end in pain? She carried in the gift she’d chosen, a sister’s love in every part. She read aloud the little card she’d written from her hopeful heart. She dressed you with her gentle hands, with more love than anyone understands. She showed me a bravery beyond her years, saying goodbye through all of the tears. She was your big sister for every second of your life. And she will spend the rest of hers... Missing you, my beautiful boy, I had to watch her heart break too. Red Nose Grief and Loss #21_5_2022 #HartAlexander #4YearsOn #bigsisterlittlebrother

Shattering point

Wednesday 12th Aug
I stare at the masterpiece I am no longer allowed to hold. Every perfect detail of you carved into my memory, because my hands will never again learn the comfort of your weight. I was given a miracle and then asked to give it back. How do you walk away from something your heart was built to protect? I screamed. I sobbed until there was no breath left to take, until the world stood still around me, until my whole soul began to break. I crumbled into my mother’s arms, as she tried to hide the breaking of her own, pretending her heart wasn’t shattered too, while mine was being torn from the bone. It should have been you, my boy, curled safely against my chest, your tiny body held by me, your heartbeat finding rest. Why did you have to go? Why was I forced to say goodbye? Why was I left to leave you there while every part of me died? And even in this darkness, in this silence you cannot ignore, you are still the brightest light my heart will forever search for. Red Nose Australia #21_5_2022 #HartAlexander #4YearsOn

Butterfly door

Wednesday 12th Aug
Someone placed a butterfly on our door. A warning. Do not enter. Our baby did not stay. Behind those doors, are the sounds of broken hearts. My body torn into a thousand parts. I held him. I counted each perfect toe. I wrapped him. & hoped that just maybe if I’d make him warm enough that he’d open up his eyes.
 The nurses gently laid you
in the cold cot by the bed.
Exhaustion pulled me under,
until no tears were left to shed. & still the ward carries on, babies cry and mothers try. Impossible to sleep. Instead I just stare at you. Morning would come & for one breath I’d forget. Then memory would find me & I’d experience losing you all over again. Leaving with empty arms & less than I had before. I walked in with my son, but forced to leave through a different door. Red Nose Australia #hartalexander #21_5_2022 #4YearsOn #Son #griefjourney

The isolation room

Wednesday 12th Aug
Where one unbearable moment divided life into before and after. People spoke to me, their words silent. Rushed into a sterile cold room where the walls close in on you. The numbness so complete that I couldn’t even cry. I waited for time to turn back but it kept passing. The world did not stop. It should have. My mind desperately searching for another ending. My heart refusing to follow. I was waiting for someone to say there had been a mistake. Instead, there was only disbelief, a numbness so complete it felt borrowed, as though my body was no longer mine & I was staring down at a stranger. Because I could not bear the truth that followed… Doctor “he has gone” Red Nose Australia 21•5•2022 Hart Alexander 4 Years On

August Story Series

Wednesday 12th Aug
If you’ve been following my posts lately, you may have noticed that I’ve been sharing pieces of our story and of Hart’s life and unexpected death.
After years of pain, investigations, and reflection, I’m only now finding the courage to speak openly about our immeasurable loss. I’m sharing our story to raise awareness, to help bring more stories of loss like mine into the light, and to remind others that they don’t need to hide or feel alone. I’m also doing this to support Red Nose Australia and the incredible work they do.

For a long time, I didn’t share anything. I wasn’t even opening social platforms because I was absolutely terrified, heartbroken and lost.

So, just a little update — thanks to all of your amazing support, what started as a $500 goal has grown to $4,000 - $1,000 for every year that Hart has been gone ✨ 

THANK YOU. Every donation, message of support, kindness, is deeply appreciated! 

This is for you, Hart. Mama loves you 🌻

New Target !!!

Thursday 6th Aug
A new target - $4000, 1 for each year he’s been gone. Our beautiful son, Hart Alexander, you would have turned 4 this year! Instead, we have had to spend 4 years without you. 
We miss you so much!!! 

I am so grateful for this support everyone 💚 
We are smashing goals and changing little lives! 

Everything is for you, My boy!

Thursday 6th Aug
Let’s ride this wave together!! 
I have been able to increase our target again because of all of the wonderful support from everyone! We are only 6 days into this month and we have until the end of August to keep raising!! Thank you so very much 💚

Follow Along!

Sunday 2nd Aug
You can follow along with my progress and hear more about our journey on my Instagram page - https://www.instagram.com/jacqjacqjacquiiii?igsh=MWthZThkemh4dnB2cw%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

INCREASED

Friday 31st Jul
I am absolutely blown away by the generosity and support of every single person so far. $500 is a huge goal, and we have surpassed that in 6 hours!! 
Because of this - I have increased the goal to keep the momentum going 💚

Thank you to my Sponsors

$2.5k

Stowe Australia

Well done Alex & Jacqui !! Such a great cause ... Team Stowe

$1.04k

Equilibrium

Alex, mate, we’ve genuinely loved working alongside you and getting to know you over the journey. Thinking of you, Jacqui and the family, and remembering beautiful Hart. Proud to support such a meaningful cause in his memory. ❤️ Love from all of us at Equilibrium.

$540

Innovative Fire Services

$540

Heyday Group

$516

Csi

$500

Jha Consulting Engineers Pty Ltd

$269.13

Steve Watson And Partners

Steve Watson and Partners is proud to support Red Nose Day on behalf of Alex, his wife, and their family. We stand with them, and all families who have experienced the heartbreaking loss of a child. We send our ongoing love and support.

$269.13

Anonymous

$263.13

Multiplex Constructions

Amazing work Jacqui!

$250

Red Nose Day Match

This donation has been generously matched by Bonds!

$250

Red Nose Day Match

This donation has been generously matched by Bonds!

$163.43

David Maher

All the best Hatts !

$163.43

Daniel Murphy

$163.43

Red Nose Matched Giving

This donation has been matched by our generous Red Nose Day sponsor

$163.43

Jens Platen

$163.43

Red Nose Matched Giving

This donation has been matched by our generous Red Nose Day sponsor

$161.63

Michelle Tu

Go Jacqui! What a meaningful challenge to take on for such an important cause. Wishing you all the best over the next few weeks! - Michelle, Cindy, Ben and William Tu

$150

Grace

Always x

$117.43

Scott Donovan

Such a beautiful way to honour Hart’s memory. Amazing effort Jacqui ❤️

$112.09

Scott Groves & Sharon Cassidy

Hello Jacqui and Hats. What a wonderful way to remember your gorgeous little boy Hart. And to contribute to such a worthwhile group for the benefit of others. Great work.

$112.09

Red Nose Matched Giving

This donation has been matched by our generous Red Nose Day sponsor

$112.09

Michael, Ayano And Cillian O'neill

Great work Jacqui. Thinking of you, Alex and the kids. Michael, Ayano and Cillian.

$112.09

Red Nose Matched Giving

This donation has been matched by our generous Red Nose Day sponsor

$112.09

Paul Couani

$112.09

Red Nose Matched Giving

This donation has been matched by our generous Red Nose Day sponsor

$112.09

Amy Rumore

Thank you for sharing your story jac. Sending you love and light xx

$112.09

Asher Galvin

$106.75

Rob Metcalfe

All the best, good luck in the Challenge, our thoughts are with you and the family.

$106.75

Marco

$106.75

Kristin, Dino And Rosie

Hart forever in our hearts 💚

$105

Grant Keating

$105

Red Nose Day Match

This donation has been generously matched by Bonds!

$66.73

Nic

$66.73

Andrew Scargall

$66.73

Belinda Abbott

Amazing work in that you are doing in Hart's memory and the courage you have amazes me.

$66.73

Milos And Tatjana Misic

$58.12

Mehrdad Farshchi

Hi Alex and Jacqui, wishing you both all the best with the challenge.

$57.03

Stewart Mathews

A story worth sharing. Love to you and Alex

$57.03

Andy Tsang

$57.03

C + T

My heart aches for you dear one and I've thought of you so often over the years... Having walked/still walking the journey of grief associated with losing someone you love, you have articulated so well what it's like - even down to the way others deal with (don't deal with) your grief. I wish I could do more for you, but I hope this small donation helps honour your precious boy. Cat xxx

$57.03

Red Nose Day Match

This donation has been generously matched by Bonds!

$55.95

Anonymous

Always loved never forgotten ❤️

$55.95

Brittany, Joe & Poppi Birch

$55.95

Peter Henderson

$55.95

David Dannaoui

Great cause

$55.95

Ryan Clarke

$55.95

Bec Brown

Sending lots of love beautiful xx

$55.81

Michael Calcoen

Jacquie and Alex, What a beautiful way to celebrate your son. Thanks for sharing this. Michael

$51

Michelle Anthony

$50

Ashleigh

In honour of your sweet boy, Hart 🩵

$40

Greg Lin

$34.40

Michael Guilday

great work Alex & Jaqui

$34.40

Red Nose Day Match

This donation has been generously matched by Bonds!

$34.40

Em

Xx 😘

$34.40

Kristie Forsberg

I'm so in awe that you are sharing yours and Hart's story. We are sending you love everyday. Love the Forsbergs x

$34.40

Kathryn

$34.40

Thu Htet Maw

$34.40

Malcolm Land

30 Steps Closer

$33.68

Amy & Jacob Corderoy

It’s so wonderful to see you commemorating Hart in this way. Sending you guys my love xx

$33.68

Red Nose Matched Giving

This donation has been matched by our generous Red Nose Day sponsor

$30

The Bay Trampolines

$23.81

Anonymous

$23.81

Red Nose Day Match

This donation has been generously matched by Bonds!

$23.81

Nesko Kolasinac

$21.52

Harts Mama, Papa, Sissy & Little Brother

<3 Hart, Forever & Always 21/5/22