I remember looking down at Spencer’s perfect little face thinking how this could have happened?
After deciding to start a family, my husband Shane and I were fortunate to fall pregnant almost straight away. We got the positive test in January 2019 and looked forward to our due date in September! It was a really straightforward, healthy pregnancy. I looked forward to all of my antenatal appointments as I got to see my little baby grow and wiggle around on the ultrasound screen. When we found out the baby’s gender, we were so excited. We really wanted a boy, but Spencer kept us guessing until about 30 weeks as from his position it had been difficult to get an answer!
As my due date came closer, I started to get excited to experience how my body would begin to prepare for childbirth. I’d had a late scan and was reassured that everything was fine. Then, just a few days before Spencer’s due date, I went to bed and remember feeling Spencer move quite a lot. I wasn’t worried, as he was always a little more active at night when I lay down. The next day I was so busy preparing the nursery, washing his little clothes, and cleaning the house that I didn’t think to pay attention to how often I felt him move.
When Shane came home from work, I mentioned that I thought Spencer hadn’t been moving much, but I thought I’d wait to see in the morning. The next morning, I kept busy, but I started to get concerned. I tried getting bub to move by drinking something cold, putting light on my belly, and resting something cold on my belly. It seems silly to think that now. When nothing worked, I told Shane we needed to go to the hospital. Two nurses tried to find the baby’s heartbeat and couldn’t. A doctor arrived to do an ultrasound and that is when we heard those words – ‘I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.’ I remember laying there and letting out this cry/scream that I’ve never made before.
I had to be induced, which was a long and painful process. I didn’t think I could do it. When Spencer arrived, Shane cut the cord and the midwives wrapped him in a towel and handed him to me. I remember looking down at his perfect little face thinking how this could have happened?
We spent two days with Spencer. Our family came to visit, met him and kept us company. My best friend came to take photos of Spencer, and we had moulds of his tiny hands and feet made as well as hand and footprints. A nurse helped us cut a bit of his hair for his memory box.
We left hospital with our hands full of flowers, a memory box, but not our baby boy.
Thankfully I had leaflets for Red Nose and Sands, but I felt too anxious to reach out to the support line. I found the online resources and Facebook groups really helpful, though. I’m so glad they were an option. Hearing other bereaved parents’ stories helped me feel less alone, and I don’t know how families who don’t know about these services cope.
I have a daughter, Penelope, who was born in August 2020 – our rainbow baby. I love that Red Nose offer informal ways for families to meet up with other who understand what they’re going through. Recently, I went to a Red Nose morning tea at the Todd Fremantle Centre in Mt Gravatt, where Penelope and I felt really welcomed and could relax in easy company.
Red Nose Day raises the funds that ensure these kinds of supports and services are available for grieving families when, where, and how they need them. I’m happy it gives me a chance to give back to Red Nose for the help they gave to me.
